its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
is that a dick in a sweater?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
