I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
