I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
