I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
