Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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