its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
