i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
