I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
