I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
