you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
