Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
