I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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