You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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