This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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