I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
