im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
