you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
