Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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