you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So much rum. So many feels.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
