She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
