Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
