if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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