god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
