she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
