I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
