god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
