So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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