1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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