im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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