I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
