they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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