I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
