The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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