My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
