The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
