So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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