I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My liver just had a heart attack.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
