I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
