No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
