My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
A bitchslap is in order.
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