Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
