his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Is Oprah even human
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
