If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
