The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
