You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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