i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
