You're completely useless in the revolution.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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