Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
