Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
