even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
