Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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